Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Of Love and Heart

Of Love and Heart
            “To each their own,” is what I have been told.  When it comes to dating and marriage I feel as if I have a – how do you say – somewhat unique perspective.  How odd it is that I view myself now as cynical and optimistic; on the surface these emotions are conflicting, and yet they have become complimentary components in my life.  The heart is a delicate object, and one that is abused more than one may originally imagine.  But why do we continually put our hearts on the line and allow such mistreatment?  I find it is as such –

                        I’d go hungry I’d go black and blue
                        I’d go crawling down the avenue
                        No, there’s nothing that I wouldn’t do
                        To make you feel my love      
                                          Adele                                             

            That is the attitude I seem to have, and the way I see many others behave.  We take no thought for ourselves at times – what we want, who we want to be, where we shall reside.  We often wish to make things happen, without regard to if that is how it should in reality be.  Instead we let our hearts decide, in which case we often let others take control of our desires.  This has been detrimental in my experience.  For when one’s heart and love is given freely to another, it is then taken and used against you – my heart has become somewhat of a weakness.  I say weakness because what does it profit one to love and care for another when it is not reciprocated?  Seems such a waste. 

            Don’t waste your love on somebody, who doesn’t value it.
                                                                        William Shakespeare              

            I have had love and lost love, both of which are tragic.  In loving I find happiness and joy indescribable; it is a roller coaster of emotions with extreme highs and extreme lows.  Loving is easy, what is difficult and heart-wrenching about the process is the unknown.  But is that not the case with anything unknown to man?  Once fear and doubt enter the sincere love of one’s heart, that is when tragedy seeps in; our weaknesses are found and used as weapons against us.  This, in the end, makes us out to be dolts –

                        You fooled me again             
                        You fooled me again
                        With your honest honest eyes
                        Again fooled me again
                        With your dirty mouth full of honest lies
                                                                      Lady GaGa

– has it not also been said, “fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me?”  So then I ask: where does the fault lie, if anywhere or with anyone?  And now I answer with this: no fault needs to be taken upon ourselves or placed upon another.  Choices are made and we “reap what we sow” do we not?  Blame should not be the focus of any issue, especially when it comes to one’s heart and a love that has been shared in one way or another.

            In losing love I have had great reason to become bitter about life.  I am not referring to the occasional high school break up or the school kid crush; true loss, taunting and relentless, comes when your husband wakes up one morning no longer wanting you – it is a feeling similar to that of death.  How does one get over the loss of a parent or a sibling, a grandparent or spouse?  Is there such a thing as losing in loving another, or does that come when we restrain from loving and giving of ourselves?  Suffering and afflictions are a part of life though.  Learning to draw a fresh confidence and perspective on any given situation is key to progressing. 

Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be.  I have been bent and broken, but – I hope – into a better shape.
                                                                           Charles Dickens

            The thing about love and heart is that they are inseparable.  Intertwined they are in each individual emotion and feeling, action and reaction, choice and consequence.  Together they shape a person, mold them into being – at least that has been the case for me.  How I would rather give of my heart and love than to have never loved at all.  No matter what comes of it I regret nothing, for it is who I am to love freely.


NOTE:  I would like to thank Michel de Montaigne for inventing what we today call "the essay."  Usually I would make some sarcastic remark here, but I actually kind of enjoyed this assignment.  This is my modern day take on a Montaigne essay - obviously from my own experiences and not his, but similar to the way he himself wrote.  (Also, I probably should have put this at the beginning but it is not nearly as important as my essay!)

Thursday, January 17, 2013

joy be the only reason i get teary eyed

Funny story:  I happened to run in to my brother at the temple today.  Weird.  Who would have thought?  BAHAHA!  It was so good to see him - definitely made my day!  By the way, it is "Elder Sobczak" not "Amric."  That was difficult for me to get through my head!  He was all official with his badge, companions, and district.  They all love him.  And for some reason they knew who I was?  I guess he talks about me all the time (because I am his favorite of course!)


Oh, just look at him!  He is legit!  Look at that name tag and sweet tie. (By the way he traded a tie of his for that one - and as a tie connoisseur myself, I definitely approve!)  I was so grateful to have lunch with him; he was a gentleman and paid, which wasn't exactly necessary since he is a missionary and all.  That was super kind of him, but that is just who he is!  Then we went and did a session and got to talk for a bit in the Celestial Room.  And then ... we took pictures after!!


He is a missionary, so it is not exactly appropriate that we hug.  Yeah, I know, he is my brother - but still, I am a rule follower (most of the time)!  How thankful I am that I was able to spend some time with him.  As we parted ways after a day of lunch, temple, and pictures, we POWER HUGGED it out.  He is stellar.  I love him.  He is making a fantastic missionary.

Go, Elder Sobczak, Go!
"Come now, and let us reason together, saith the LORD: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool." Isaiah 1:18
"Then saith Jesus unto him, Get thee hence, Satan: for it is written, Thou shalt worship the Lord thy God, and him only shalt thou serve." Matthew 4:10

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

"Yesterday"

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away
Now it looks as though they're here to stay
Oh, I believe in yesterday


The Beatles
Suddenly I'm not half the man I used to be
There's a shadow hanging over me
Oh, yesterday came suddenly

Why she had to go

I don't know, she wouldn't say
I said something wrong
Now I long for yesterday

Yesterday love was such an easy game to play

Now I need a place to hide away
Oh, I believe in yesterday

Why’d she have to go?

I don't know, she wouldn't say
I said something wrong
Now I long for yesterday

Yesterday love was such an easy game to play

Now I need a place to hide away
Oh, I believe in yesterday


So.. Yesterday was an odd day for me.  Not terrible - until the end when it went downhill a bit.  But I have a bad habit: sometimes I am too open about my life, it tends to cause me problems and yet, I continue to do it - did I mention that I hate it?  So why I keep persisting on through negative ways I just do not know!

I feel like I lost a best friend yesterday.  Whether I did or not, I am still unsure.  Whether they realize this or not, I am also unaware.  The point is that I keep messing up, I keep doing stupid things, and I need to stop.  So to my dear friend I say, "I am sorry."

"A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother." Proverbs 18:24

Goal(s):
Be more positive.  Look for the good.  See the good in ALL things.  Write more positive and uplifting blogs/posts.  Don't share personal feelings with the world.  
Turn to the Lord - for he is my best friend and I would be truly lost without him.

"What we see depends mainly on what we look for." John Lubbock

Perspective.  Tough times can be great experiences.  But there is no need for over analyzing.  Hate the rain or dance in it - I prefer to dance.

Monday, January 14, 2013

frustration

It has been such a weird day!!  I don't know how to express the weirdness of this day.  But my thoughts as I sit down (preparing to do homework) are about people.  I have such mixed feelings about people currently.
People frustrate me!  I am so taken back by people and behaviors.  How do you say one thing and act a completely different way?  I suppose I do it too, although I strive my hardest not to - I have always been taught that actions speak louder than words.  But seriously, I am losing patience.  I have noticed that I don't put up with a whole lot anymore.  I can't let myself.  I don't like being walked all over.  I don't like people treating me two different ways - I am the same person with the same feelings whether I am around people or riding solo.
At the same time though, I love people.  I have a sincere love for people.  I want to love, and care, and help, and support, and uplift, and be with people.
So I find myself in a predicament.  Why do I continually find people in life that make me so ... disheartened.  I am working on finding a happy medium, but it is more difficult than it sounds.  I need to learn to let go; I don't do this very well.  I don't like to give up.  People give up so easily.  Too easily.  Sometimes before they even begin something.
I think I figured it out - MAN UP!  [I do include myself in this most days.]  But seriously.  Man up.  Do something on a whim.  Tell people how you honestly feel.  Do what you feel - address how you feel and don't set your feelings on the back burner.  Be a friend.  Love.  Let people in.  Have faith.  Act.
"And now as I said concerning faith - faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true." Alma 32:31
We cannot know if something is right until we act on it 100% with full purpse of heart.  Experiment!  Have a little faith.  All will work out - IF and WHEN we do all we can do.  The Lord guides us every step of the way.  We just need to be open to taking chances, risking a little, stepping into the darkness on things we are unsure of sometimes.  For He is, "merciful unto all who believe on his name." (Alma 32:22)  If you desire something, GO FOR IT.

Sunday, January 6, 2013

cinder blocks

I bore my testimony today for the first time in a while.  "Yes, I am endowed and no, I did not serve a mission."  Yup, that happened.  But it was a day of wonderful meetings to say the least.  Over the last couple days I have had a lot of time alone (which I have come to not like so much..). 
In my time alone I have realized two things about myself:

1. I wear my heart on my sleeve
2. I wear my emotions on my shoulders

This is how I feel:


Do you know that cinder blocks are not meant TO BE CARRIED!?  They are heavy.  If you drop them they break, and hurt if dropped on you.  But this is how I feel - weighed down.

In discussing the Atonement today in Relief Society, I was reminded of a lesson I had about cinder blocks.  That is what the Atonement is there for; we don't need to chain our troubles, sins, trials, afflictions, or problems to ourselves and drag them around - we need to detach from them, hand them to the Lord because  HE HAS ALREADY SUFFERED FOR THEM.  We are doing no good and learning nothing when we try to take life's troubles and carry them ourselves.  We need help.  We need the Lord.  We need to rely on the fact that HE KNOWS WHAT HE IS DOING.

Life is hard, and then you die (as Uncle Timmy would say).  But let us use the Atonement.  That's what it is there for.  The Savior lives, loves us, and wants only our happiness and what is best for each of us individually.  Make choices.  Smile.  Be happy.  Rely upon the Lord.  And don't carry around your burdens - it hurts!

I feel like I have two thoughts I am trying to merge into one, if only I was better with my words.  I need to eat. I need to sleep.  I need to focus on what matters - school, work, the gospel.  And I cannot do those things when I choose to wear my heart and emotions on my outward appearance.  Those personal issues need to go to the Lord.  That is a goal of mine.  I know the Atonement works, but I need to actually use it and not think I can do everything myself - because I can't.  I'm not strong enough - but the Lord is.  I'm an emotional wreck - but the Lord knows how to succor me.

Luke 22:42-43
42 Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done.
43 And there appeared an angel unto him from heaven, strengthening him.

I know this to be true.  Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, the Holy Ghost, and angels can be there to help us, lift us, strengthen us.  In all things.

Friday, January 4, 2013

little kids!

Fun fact about me:
 
I LOVE LITTLE KIDS!  They are so dang cute!  They make me smile and laugh and feel all warm inside!  So, in honor oh little kids, I am sharing a few commercials with you - they brighten my day and I hope they do the same for you!  Enjoy! ;) [ps: the last one is my most favorite..]

 
 
 

i wanna talk about me

I'm a pushy person. Do you know that I am a pushy person? At least I can admit it, right? The thing about me is that when I know what I want I go for it; I fight for it; I do what ever is in my power to achieve it. So forgive me, or don't. I need to get to the point though where I can quit and not be crushed if I know it cannot be achieved. Quit may not be the right word; maybe step back or step aside are better terms. Either way, I need to recognize "red flags" as I've learned to call them. Maybe life will be easier when I can master that!!

I love my family. Meet them! They will rock your world!
 
I am NOT a decision maker.  I have a difficult time making choices.  About anything and everything.  Why is that if I am a pushy person and supposedly know what I want?  Hm.. Interesting..  Why are choices so hard to make sometimes?  I think it is difficult to admit when you actually have to buck up and DO something.  I hate being vulnerable and putting myself out there.  I don't want to be hurt or rejected or have it not work.  But sometimes, you just have to put yourself out there, regardless of what will happen.  No one likes to be hurt, BUT MAKE A CHOICE.
 
That's another thing: I think things are black or white - there is no grey area.  You cannot have one foot in and one foot out.  MAKE A CHOICE.  Yes, it is that simple.
 
So maybe this should be titled: "Make A Choice" instead..  I guess I am at a point in my life where I don't want to do things half way.  I want to make choices, go all in, take chances, trust in the Lord, put myself out there, let myself be vulnerable, be forward, be honest, be open - "fear not, let your hearts be comforted..." Doctrine and Covenants 98:1.
 
Maybe this was more for myself, an awakening of sorts; a realization that I need to make some choices and changes if I want to progress, for the definition if insanity is "doing the same thing over and over expecting different results" - I cannot do what I have always done!  I cannot be stuck in the ruts I have been before - it is not healthy!
 
Anyway, I hope it inspires you to look inside and figure out what you want and how to go about life making the best choices.  Look to the Lord in all things.  Counsel with him.  Let him guide you and all will work out"Thy will, O Lord, be done."  Don't overthink it, just go for it.
 

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Kids Say the Darndest Things: Sammy

Dec. 30, 2012

I went to pick Sam up at Grandma Mary's, and this is what she said to me when I walked in:
  • "Did my mom tell you to pick me up?!"
On the drive home after picking Sam up:
  • Amric: "Sam, will you rub my hand for me?  I'm leaving for two years.."
  • Sam: "Sure. But pretty soon you're going to have to rub it yourself!!"
Also on the way home:
  • Me: "Sam, I see you all the time because I live so close to you!"
  • Sam: "Well, you live in Provo, so it's not really that close.."
Almost back to the Sobczak home in Draper:
  • Me: "This is the right exit right?"
  • Sam: "Wally, you come visit all the time - you should know where to go!"

Jan. 01, 2013

Dad reading a book to Sammy ("The Little Mermaid"):
  • Dad: "...Ariel" (pronounced R-E-EL)
  • Sammy: "Papi, Ariel (R-E-EL)?!  Are you speaking Spanish?!
  • Dad: "She is not very modest is she?"
  • Sammy: "Well, she is a mermaid, so she has to wear that."

Jan. 02, 2013:

Sam giving us a tumbling show:
  • Anona: "Sammy, can you do a cartwheel?"
  • Sam: "A cartwheel?  Well, what is a cartwheel?  Nana, will you come show me?!"